Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Just to expand a bit on my post regarding my new life... I have been asked a few questions on more specifics.
Why did I leave my perfectly wonderful husband and father of my children. How could I ruin my "white picket fence life"? (Somebody actually used those words.) We did not fight, we live in an adorable house with no big money worries. We are pretty kick-ass at parenting our children together (if I may say so myself.)
What could have possibly have been the catalyst? Did somebody cheat? Was there abuse? Was there a drug or alcohol problem?
No. No. And no.
This is simply a story of growth and change. A story of two paths taking different directions.
You might remember that one and a half years ago my father passed away. I sat with him as he slowly died and the life slipped from his body. That changed me. Changed my life forever.
When you watch the process of death, there is a realization that the time you have in this body, on this earth is finite. For me, this caused a lot of introspection. Was I living my life in a manner that was 100% what I dreamed of and wanted for myself and my daughters?
The honest answer was no. I have been trying for many years to live a more simple life, to live more sustainably, to live with intention, and to instill these values in my daughters. I would rather rather live in a small cabin in the woods or in a farmhouse in rural America. My husband? Not so much. He wants luxury, toys, a big new house with an 80" television and 200 channels of cable to choose from. I want my clothes dried on the line... he'd prefer his fluffy and Downy-fresh from a dryer. I want all my food GMO and high-fructose free... he likes KFC. My dream vacation is taking the girls on amazing outdoor adventure... he prefers Disney World.
And this is where our paths diverge. Does this make one (or both) of us bad people? No. It makes us different people. Can people with differing views have a successful marriage? Of course. At what point are you no longer compromising but simply giving up on things that really are important to you in this short life?
He and I are in agreement that his way of life is certainly more of the social norm. I am absolutely the person asking for things that are harder for an entire family to acquiesce to... but it is what I want for myself and our daughters. And his way of life is what he wants for himself and our daughters. It is what he works longs days for... it is what he has been continuing his education for the past decade for.
Unfortunately, there seems to be no happy medium. I have spent the last year reading sooo many books, articles, posts... trying to figure some resolution. Should I live my life in a manner I do not agree with? Can I force myself to be content in that life? Is it fair for my daughters to see me changing my core values? What does that teach them?
And, so, here I am. Today. In my very simple and quiet apartment. No television. Few material possessions. A sense of calm on the path to where I want to ultimately be. I live in the moment, for the moments. As I play board games with the girls or paint pictures with our favorite music playing in the background, I am at peace where I am and where they are. And when they are with Daddy, I am still at peace. Because he is a great father. They are experiencing two ways of life and someday they will choose their own path.